More journey than event

When I write about forgiveness I am constrained to consider my own relationship with it.  That is, how am I following my own understandings?  Am I preaching to others while failing to follow myself?  Although this is often an uncomfortable internal conversation, it almost always proves to be a valuable one.

My most recent reflection on the subject led to this:  forgiveness is more journey than it is event.

I believe that it is rare that true or pure forgiveness occurs - complete and full blown - in a particular moment.  It is rare that one can confess and ask for forgiveness while the other receives the confession and offers complete forgiveness all in one moment.  It is rare that you can put a time and a place on a forgiveness event.

Rather, what we thought was forgiveness in the beginning doesn't really mature until time has passed and we have tested out our supposed forgiveness in many different situations.  As we journey down this road called forgiveness we recognize those by-ways where we get stuck, where old attitudes rise up and we re-act rather than respond to the other.  When we think back, we can remember the time and place of the original hurt, and it still hurts; it still matters and we realize that our forgiveness is still a work in progress.

Furthermore, the wounds that we cause one another are not interchangeable.  Some hurt more.  Some have longer term consequences.  Some hurts are inflicted on those we love rather than directly on us.  I might forgive you crashing my car a lot more quickly than if you had an affair with my husband.  I might forgive you undermining me at work more quickly than I would intentional lies to a potential employer which costs me a job.  I might forgive your demands for greater alimony much more easily than I will forgive the abandonment of our child.

Some stuff is REALLY hard to forgive because it was REALLY hurtful and the hurt is too big to swallow, and in truth, will never be forgotten.  So instead, we begin the journey of forgiveness.  We take just one step forward, perhaps we simply commit to eliminating negative comments about the other.  One step.  When we have mastered that one step, we try the next.  Then the next.  Then the next.

Don't fool yourself.  The steps count.  They move you towards a place which is more healthy for you and your soul; it is more healthy for the community around you, and in time, it will prove more healthy for the (not completely) forgiven other party.  When anger and resentment and jealousy are removed from the equation, however slowly, the world is a better place.

Forgiveness increases the grace quotient in the world, and that, my friends, is never a bad thing.

Forgiveness: simple but not easy.

Jesus talks about forgiveness.  He tells a parable that has commentators tied up in knots.  He challenges believers to do math.  In the end, it was a tough week in the gospel of Matthew (18.21-35)

Forgiveness is a tough topic because forgiveness is tough for humans.  It's tough because forgiveness is only necessary when harm has been done.......nasty words, physical wounds, relationship scars, etc. etc.  If it didn't cause wounds, then it probably doesn't need to be forgiven, you simply need to be polite.

The primary obstacle to forgiveness is pride.  That gives us a second hint as to why this is such a challenging demand of the faith......yet there it is, forgiving others is an expectation of our faith.  Love your enemies; pray for those who persecute you; forgive others.

But the whole process of forgiveness cannot take the first step unless someone is willing to lay down their pride and admit....I might even say 'confess'.....that they have harmed someone else.  No slight of hand statements about good intentions or possible misunderstandings.  It begins with someone naming the hurt and harm that's occurred. ...and taking responsibility for it.  I am fairly certain that people exist who would rather die than truly admit they were wrong, and their actions caused harm.

I know how hard it is.  It's hard for me too.  It means I must adjust my internal picture of who I am and just what I am capable of doing. In the end, I am 'the kind of person who would....'  You fill in the blank.

It requires that I open myself to scrutiny, and the person doing the scrutiny is someone I already know that I have harmed.  I am offering them the opportunity to hurt me back.  Admitting my wrong and seeking the  forgiveness of another does not come with guarantees and therefore it is fraught with danger.

On the other side, accomplishing successful forgiveness requires that the injured party be willing to lay down their pride as well.  You can't forgive while protecting your privilege to complain; you can't continue with character assassination.    It requires one to release all claims to victimhood and listen with an open heart to the other.  The larger the hurt, the harder this is to do.  For many, it can only be accomplished in smaller stages.

There you stand.  One who has to adjust their self-image, admit their flaws aloud, take responsibility for actions, and one who has to release all claim to the very real hurt that has been caused.  No one wants to do either, but without this kind of truth, no real forgiveness is possible.

It is a simple formula.  It is very, very hard to do.

Yet should you take a chance, should you lay down your pride, lower your defenses and speak the truth you have a chance to experience the wonder of new life being created.  For just like the first day of creation when  the spirit moved over the waters and God said, 'Let there be light'....in that space between victim and perpetrator the Spirit of God which is the Spirit of Life can make a new beginning.

Carved out by truth spoken, that space is the point where two individuals agree that the past is the past and it will no longer color or shape the space between us.  It's not about forgetting; it is about not allowing what has happened to distort what will happen in the days ahead.  It is a new beginning.

I have actually seen it happen just like that.  I have received just such a gift of forgiveness, and I am fairly certain I have managed a couple of times to give that gift to another.  But it has never been easy, and most times it is incomplete and imperfect.  Yet this image of an open space where I am  not afraid of my enemies, where I can meet the other one without distraction and begin to build a new tomorrow, where I can accept the truth about who I am.....this is to be in the presence of the Divine. This is heaven.