Forgiveness is a tough topic because forgiveness is tough for humans. It's tough because forgiveness is only necessary when harm has been done.......nasty words, physical wounds, relationship scars, etc. etc. If it didn't cause wounds, then it probably doesn't need to be forgiven, you simply need to be polite.
The primary obstacle to forgiveness is pride. That gives us a second hint as to why this is such a challenging demand of the faith......yet there it is, forgiving others is an expectation of our faith. Love your enemies; pray for those who persecute you; forgive others.
But the whole process of forgiveness cannot take the first step unless someone is willing to lay down their pride and admit....I might even say 'confess'.....that they have harmed someone else. No slight of hand statements about good intentions or possible misunderstandings. It begins with someone naming the hurt and harm that's occurred. ...and taking responsibility for it. I am fairly certain that people exist who would rather die than truly admit they were wrong, and their actions caused harm.
I know how hard it is. It's hard for me too. It means I must adjust my internal picture of who I am and just what I am capable of doing. In the end, I am 'the kind of person who would....' You fill in the blank.
It requires that I open myself to scrutiny, and the person doing the scrutiny is someone I already know that I have harmed. I am offering them the opportunity to hurt me back. Admitting my wrong and seeking the forgiveness of another does not come with guarantees and therefore it is fraught with danger.
On the other side, accomplishing successful forgiveness requires that the injured party be willing to lay down their pride as well. You can't forgive while protecting your privilege to complain; you can't continue with character assassination. It requires one to release all claims to victimhood and listen with an open heart to the other. The larger the hurt, the harder this is to do. For many, it can only be accomplished in smaller stages.
There you stand. One who has to adjust their self-image, admit their flaws aloud, take responsibility for actions, and one who has to release all claim to the very real hurt that has been caused. No one wants to do either, but without this kind of truth, no real forgiveness is possible.
It is a simple formula. It is very, very hard to do.
Yet should you take a chance, should you lay down your pride, lower your defenses and speak the truth you have a chance to experience the wonder of new life being created. For just like the first day of creation when the spirit moved over the waters and God said, 'Let there be light'....in that space between victim and perpetrator the Spirit of God which is the Spirit of Life can make a new beginning. Carved out by truth spoken, that space is the point where two individuals agree that the past is the past and it will no longer color or shape the space between us. It's not about forgetting; it is about not allowing what has happened to distort what will happen in the days ahead. It is a new beginning.
I have actually seen it happen just like that. I have received just such a gift of forgiveness, and I am fairly certain I have managed a couple of times to give that gift to another. But it has never been easy, and most times it is incomplete and imperfect. Yet this image of an open space where I am not afraid of my enemies, where I can meet the other one without distraction and begin to build a new tomorrow, where I can accept the truth about who I am.....this is to be in the presence of the Divine. This is heaven.
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