Deep in my secret heart: fear

Fears.  That's the second thing we bury deep within our secret heart.  Not the easily negated kinds of fears.  Oh no.  The big fears - the often irrational fears - the "I can't say them outloud or they will come true" fears.

I can name a few of mine but of course this is only helpful if you are naming a few of yours on your end of the computer.  When my children were small I had an irrational fear that my husband would die and leave me to raise the children all alone.  That fear had a lot to do with my own estimation of my incompetence and who wants to admit to their middle class neighbors that they are fairly sure they are incompetent as a parent.

Abandonment is also tied into that pretty little package.  I expect it has a lot to do with the early death of both my sister and father.  But there it was.  I was going to be Left Alone.  The irony, of course, is that, having been widowed now for 17 years, that is exactly what has happened, and it isn't nearly as fearful as I imagined, even though it was fear filled in different ways.

We are afraid that we will die a bad death....or have to watch as someone we love dies in pain.  Is that one of yours?

We press these fears back into the corner of our secret heart, guarding them, nursing them, watching to see if our worst fears will come true.

What is God's wisdom for us?  "I know."  I know about your fears, even that silly one about going down into the basement at night.  I know.  I want to cast out all fear and I can do that when you trust in the perfect love I have for you.  But until then, I will stand right here beside you.  I will walk with you through the valley of the shadow of death.  I will hold your hand if it helps.

There is no place you will have to go that I am unwilling to travel with you.  I have already reached down to the lost ones and called them back into relationship again.  You are mine and you are beloved.

Ahhhhh, if we could only believe with as much energy as we fear.

"teach me wisdom in my secret heart."

Meet me in my secret heart Lord

"....teach me wisdom in my secret heart..."  Ps51

The ancient sages know about the secret heart - that corner of our most inner being where we squirrel away any number of things.  No, that's not quite accurate; what we really do is press things into that corner of our inner being - press them hard and often, assuring that they will never find their way to the surface.

Our secret heart is the place where we secure our deepest secrets and our darkest selves.  It is the corner that we protect: from the light of day, from the casual inspection of onlookers, and from any attempts to dissect or discuss.

In this deep corner of our heart we store three things: our dreams, our fears and our sins.

Let's look at dreams.  When I was a child I spotted a wonderful white angora cardigan on a mannequin in a local shop window.  It was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen and I knew that if I wore it, I would be beautiful too.  In fact, I might even become the epitome of all dreams: a ballerina....or if that failed, a princess.  All I needed was that white angora sweater.

So I began to lobby for it, subtly of course.  My birthday was approaching so I mentioned that a new sweater would be nice.  White would make it versatile and I had seen so many beautiful ones.  I never missed a chance to point out this wonderful concoction in the store window.  When the birthday box came, it was the right size and shape.  It was a white sweater - a wonderfully practical utilitarian white cardigan sweater.

And my dream was shattered:  now I would never be a princess or a ballerina.  Now I would never know what it meant to be beautiful.  A dream was lost.  A dream no one knew I had.  A dream that wasn't remotely grounded in reality.  A dream that was based on a child's need to feel beautiful.  Gone without ever having been mentioned.

Those are the kinds of things we store in our secret heart.  Dreams like a happy marriage with 2 children.  Dreams like a job helping others.  Dreams like playing professional baseball.  Dreams like sending your children to college.

We tuck these dreams into our secret hearts and guard them from the light of day because the disappointment of their failure is more than we think we can bear.

So what is God's wisdom to us?  God says, "I know."  I know about your dreams, and hopes and disappointments.  I know.  Yet, I have planted within you talents and gifts and strengths and wisdom that are needed in this world to make it a better place, to ease the suffering of others, to build a safe place for all.  I need you just as you are - you are perfect for these tasks ahead.

"...teach me wisdom in my secret heart...."